just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
