she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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