Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
