Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
