i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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