is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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