Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
