she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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