No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
