Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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