I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
