toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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