Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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