Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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