when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
