theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
