Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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