Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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