I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
