jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Shame - the story of my life.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
