guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
