my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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