i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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