FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
