Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Panties = found
Randomize
