If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
