Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
