yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
