can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
