I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
