what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize