he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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