I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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