New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
