Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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