I accidentally had phone sex last night
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
