I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
