i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
