I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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