Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
