Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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