Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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