Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
