y did u give ur computer a hand job?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
