I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
