Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize