Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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