Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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