my phone needs a breathalizer
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
