It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
