She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
