i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
