So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
