I can text with my tongue
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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