I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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