the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
