The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
