come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
